It was last year however on this weekend that our lives together really began to unravel. We didn’t go skiing, but rather we went to play in the sun in Phoenix where I had started an affair that became the straw that broke the camels back and ended our relationship. For some reason that I’ve yet to determine, things had grown somewhat stale and I had become complacent. I lost sight of what was important to me. At the time I guess I gave myself permission to do things I shouldn’t have done. In the hindsight that is always 20/20 I wish we had gone skiing instead. I wonder if things would be different today. I wish they were different.
As I reflect back on the past year, and on my many mistakes, I have so much to regret, like the pain I caused Tony and myself. I see how much I’ve lost. With rare exceptions, my life seems quite meaningless these days. I travel alone - mostly to visit a few friends, and I go home to an empty house after the work week in Olympia ends. I wonder what it was that changed me? What it was that caused me to throw away what it was that made me who I am. I’m just now coming to grips with it all -- far to late to do anything about it. Tony says I got over him a long time ago, but to me I don’t know that I ever will. For the last year it was like I kept him sealed up in an old mayonnaise jar on the refrigerator shelf. Then when I need it, I find it’s gone. Complacency I guess will do that to you.
Now it’s a year later, and two years since we’ve last gone skiing on Tony’s birthday weekend. We didn’t spend this weekend together this year – for the first time in 13 years. While he has many special people in his life he spent the weekend with, I spent it for the most part alone, and missing what it was I had -- wondering what I want in what’s left of my life ahead. But what I want -- I can’t have.
One of my “life is like a highway” sayings is that ‘you can’t look too long in the rearview mirror at where you’ve been or you’ll run off the road ahead.’ However that doesn’t mean I don’t look back. The lead singer of the group “Hootie and the Blowfish”, Darrius Rucker, has a new song called “Don’t Think I Don’t Think About It”, which is a more than fitting way to end this entry.
When we make choices, we got to live with ‘em
I heard you found a real good man and you married him.
I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind.
Where would we be today, if I never drove that car away?
Don’t think I don’t think about it.
Don’t think I don’t have regrets.
Don’t think it don’t get to me.
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Don’t think I don’t wonder ‘bout
Should have been, could have been all worked out
But I know what I felt, and I know what I said
But don’t think I don’t think about it.
Happy Birthday Tony. I miss you – I miss us, and I'm sorry beyond words.