Gary Gardner (grgardner) wrote,
Gary Gardner

Remembering Past April 12ths

For the past thirteen years, this has usually been a memorable weekend for me.   Tony’spandabuff  birthday is April 12th.  As long as we were together we would do something special on this weekend to celebrate.  For most of our years together it meant a ski trip up to Whistler.  We would spend the time at our condo there enjoying a last fling of spring skiing in the warm sun, cruising down our favorite groomed green and blue runs, most notably The Saddle as it drops off the top of Whistler Peak screaming our lungs out as we enjoyed the exhilaration of flying down the slopes.  We’d sit outside on the patio at the Round House or at Dusty’s and enjoy lunch, getting sunburned with raccoon eyes, while watching the skiers flying past.  We’d go out to dinner at Mongolie Grill, followed by ice cream at Cows, and celebrate his birthday and our life together, then we’d catch a movie or two at the small cinema there.

It was last year however on this weekend that our lives together really began to unravel.  We didn’t go skiing, but rather we went to play in the sun in Phoenix where I had started an affair that became the straw that broke the camels back and ended our relationship.  For some reason that I’ve yet to determine, things had grown somewhat stale and I had become complacent.  I lost sight of what was important to me.  At the time I guess I gave myself permission to do things I shouldn’t have done.  In the hindsight that is always 20/20 I wish we had gone skiing instead.  I wonder if things would be different today.  I wish they were different.

As I reflect back on the past year, and on my many mistakes, I have so much to regret, like the pain I caused Tony and myself.  I see how much I’ve lost.  With rare exceptions, my life seems quite meaningless these days. I travel alone - mostly to visit a few friends, and  I go home to an empty house after the work week in Olympia ends.  I wonder what it was that changed me?  What it was that caused me to throw away what it was that made me who I am.   I’m just now coming to grips with it all -- far to late to do anything about it.  Tony says I got over him a long time ago, but to me I don’t know that I ever will.  For the last year it was like I kept him sealed up in an old mayonnaise jar on the refrigerator shelf.  Then when I need it, I find it’s gone.  Complacency I guess will do that to you.

Now it’s a year later, and two years since we’ve last gone skiing on Tony’s birthday weekend. We didn’t spend this weekend together this year – for the first time in 13 years.  While he has many special people in his life he spent the weekend with, I spent it for the most part alone, and missing what it was I had -- wondering what I want in what’s left of my life ahead. But what I want -- I can’t have.

One of my “life is like a highway” sayings is that ‘you can’t look too long in the rearview mirror at where you’ve been or you’ll run off the road ahead.’  However that doesn’t mean I don’t look back.  The lead singer of the group “Hootie and the Blowfish”, Darrius Rucker, has a new song called “Don’t Think I Don’t Think About It”, which is a more than fitting way to end this entry.

When we make choices, we got to live with ‘em
I heard you found a real good man and you married him.
I wonder if sometimes I cross your mind.
Where would we be today, if I never drove that car away?
Don’t think I don’t think about it.
Don’t think I don’t have regrets.
Don’t think it don’t get to me.
Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey
Don’t think I don’t wonder ‘bout
Should have been, could have been all worked out
But I know what I felt, and I know what I said
But don’t think I don’t think about it.

Happy Birthday Tony.  I miss you – I miss us, and I'm sorry beyond words.


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